nautisch: (jonghyun)
nautisch ([personal profile] nautisch) wrote2013-02-20 12:22 am

to tlist, with love

idk if anyone will read this but anyway: my life is a mix of decent and shit right now. some social scene and extracurricular issues are blowing up but I'm feeling strangely affectionate at the moment, so I wanted to take a second and write all this stuff down:

-I honestly think one of the keys to confidence is, even if you don't wholeheartedly believe it, to say or type out good things about yourself. like, I'm smart. I'm pretty. people are lucky to know me. people who don't have me are missing out. and it might sound narcissistic, especially since girls are trained to be "humble" and insecure, but the more you say it, the more you start to believe it.

I have a lot of friends in real life and online that deal with self esteem issues and I have totally been there and sometimes still struggle with it (especially wrt personality/authority problems) and it just kills me to see people unnecessarily talk themselves down all the time. it makes me want to scream because all of you have such good qualities and deserve to be happy. I hate most people, but I like all of you, and you deserve to feel good about yourselves.

-I know there's a handful of people on tlist that are in their first years of college rn/preparing to go to college and having a lot of problems, and I try to respond whenever I see it but sometimes I feel invasive/creepy/overbearing so I figured an lj entry would be better. even if we don't chat often or share a zillion fandoms, it breaks my heart sincerely to see people struggling because that was me three years ago. I cried practically every night and got snot and tears all over my cell phone talking to my parents. I hated eating alone in the dining hall so instead I wouldn't eat period (save for candy here and there) and lost ~15 pounds and got zero nutrients. if you go back far enough in my dw/lj you'll see pages and pages of depressed entries. I didn't have any irl friends at the time and only found friends eventually by making myself vulnerable and asking people to dinner repeatedly (or embarrassingly asking people to celebrate jonghyun's birthday with me). I wrote a fic where onew was a serial killer ffs. but I guess the point of this is that when I was going through this, I had a lot of fandom friends that comprised my only social activity at that point and were really great to me (scylla, becca, shlee, sonali, etc.) even when I was a mess so, uh, I understand if you don't want to talk to me, but I'd be willing to give you my skype/gmail or anything because no one deserves this kind of start to college.

and another thing: don't be like me. I stayed at a school I hated just because I wanted a certain major; I definitely could have gone somewhere else and majored/minored or double majored and gotten the same or better education. I led campus tours even though I didn't believe a word of what I was telling people. I wasn't abrasive enough in demanding a room change and ended up getting undermined by my roommate. your life matters and your happiness matters and if something sucks, do whatever is in your power to fix it. even if the only thing in your power is tweeting about it and talking to friends, that's way better than what I did. yeah, my college life got better, but it took a long time to improve.

and I'm sorry if this is exceedingly creepy but I just have a lot of feelings and I want to bake a cake of rainbows and smiles and kim jonghyun

also I realize I'm not always the clearest on my life happenings on twitter so if you're interested:

-I quit koreaboo in july 2012
-I started dating a guy in may and dumped him a few days after christmas, I still don't get him but oh well, he deserved it, he should be crying every night about not seeing my face
-I am currently doing my senior thesis (oh boy)
-you should talk to me if you've watched fma, revolutionary girl utena, or evangelion because I have a lot of feelings
-I really want to write fic but have no ideas and little time
-I'm pretty sure I'm an asexual starfish
-I'm taking a class on japanese manga this semester and it is simultaneously amazing and terrifying

the end?

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