once, there was an ugly barnacle.

idk if anyone will read this but anyway: my life is a mix of decent and shit right now. some social scene and extracurricular issues are blowing up but I'm feeling strangely affectionate at the moment, so I wanted to take a second and write all this stuff down:

-I honestly think one of the keys to confidence is, even if you don't wholeheartedly believe it, to say or type out good things about yourself. like, I'm smart. I'm pretty. people are lucky to know me. people who don't have me are missing out. and it might sound narcissistic, especially since girls are trained to be "humble" and insecure, but the more you say it, the more you start to believe it.

I have a lot of friends in real life and online that deal with self esteem issues and I have totally been there and sometimes still struggle with it (especially wrt personality/authority problems) and it just kills me to see people unnecessarily talk themselves down all the time. it makes me want to scream because all of you have such good qualities and deserve to be happy. I hate most people, but I like all of you, and you deserve to feel good about yourselves.

-I know there's a handful of people on tlist that are in their first years of college rn/preparing to go to college and having a lot of problems, and I try to respond whenever I see it but sometimes I feel invasive/creepy/overbearing so I figured an lj entry would be better. even if we don't chat often or share a zillion fandoms, it breaks my heart sincerely to see people struggling because that was me three years ago. I cried practically every night and got snot and tears all over my cell phone talking to my parents. I hated eating alone in the dining hall so instead I wouldn't eat period (save for candy here and there) and lost ~15 pounds and got zero nutrients. if you go back far enough in my dw/lj you'll see pages and pages of depressed entries. I didn't have any irl friends at the time and only found friends eventually by making myself vulnerable and asking people to dinner repeatedly (or embarrassingly asking people to celebrate jonghyun's birthday with me). I wrote a fic where onew was a serial killer ffs. but I guess the point of this is that when I was going through this, I had a lot of fandom friends that comprised my only social activity at that point and were really great to me (scylla, becca, shlee, sonali, etc.) even when I was a mess so, uh, I understand if you don't want to talk to me, but I'd be willing to give you my skype/gmail or anything because no one deserves this kind of start to college.

and another thing: don't be like me. I stayed at a school I hated just because I wanted a certain major; I definitely could have gone somewhere else and majored/minored or double majored and gotten the same or better education. I led campus tours even though I didn't believe a word of what I was telling people. I wasn't abrasive enough in demanding a room change and ended up getting undermined by my roommate. your life matters and your happiness matters and if something sucks, do whatever is in your power to fix it. even if the only thing in your power is tweeting about it and talking to friends, that's way better than what I did. yeah, my college life got better, but it took a long time to improve.

and I'm sorry if this is exceedingly creepy but I just have a lot of feelings and I want to bake a cake of rainbows and smiles and kim jonghyun

also I realize I'm not always the clearest on my life happenings on twitter so if you're interested:

-I quit koreaboo in july 2012
-I started dating a guy in may and dumped him a few days after christmas, I still don't get him but oh well, he deserved it, he should be crying every night about not seeing my face
-I am currently doing my senior thesis (oh boy)
-you should talk to me if you've watched fma, revolutionary girl utena, or evangelion because I have a lot of feelings
-I really want to write fic but have no ideas and little time
-I'm pretty sure I'm an asexual starfish
-I'm taking a class on japanese manga this semester and it is simultaneously amazing and terrifying

the end?

okay so in the first dream I was still in high school. shinee was inexplicably also going to the school despite the requirements to get into my school like you kind of HAVE to live in illinois. but anyway they were there and apparently we were semi-friends? my cats were fighting and my cat managed to cut my brother's cat so apparently onew went all vet on them?? and then it was raining and I was chilling outside without an umbrella and minho was like wtf are you doing and I was comfortable so I was like whatever :| and then he picked me up and forced me to go inside and I was like WHAT IS GOING ON and then it was pizza day in my cafeteria which is also illogical because a) our cafeteria never had pizza days and b) the pizza SUCKED anyway but w/e I got all excited because I got to pick toppings. so we ate pizza and then something happened idr and then we went to a pumpkin patch and I was like this is a small pumpkin patch because it was like literally five feet long and wide.

SECOND DREAM. my mom came to korea and we went to etude house, which if you don't know shinee endorses. also my mom knows I like boybands but she does not know who shinee is. there was an announcement that shinee was having a fansign at etude next week and I was like OH NO I'LL BE IN JAPAN THIS IS TERRIBLE and then key literally walked out the back of the store and said hi to us in english. and my mom, not knowing who shinee is, just kept talking to him in english like it was nbd and I was like OMG MOM YOU CAN'T JUST /TALK/ TO KEY but he was cool. and then jonghyun walked out and I visibly wilted a little and my mom tried talking to him in tourist korean to get him to talk to me and I was like omg someone please kill me and then jonghyun got up in all my personal space and was like 반가워요! which is like...nice to meet you and I was....really embarrassed but I said hello. and then everyone else came out and jongho sat together sharing a sweater and I was like that is probably really uncomfortable but why the hell do you ship each other so hard. ontae didn't say anything :( key kept talking to my mom in english and I was mostly speaking korean to jongho (omg speaking korean in dreams!!) I told them I couldn't go to the fansign and I was sad and they were all :(((((( and then finally we had to leave so we said bye to all of them and then jonghyun spoke english to me which if you don't know I am obsessed with hearing jonghyun's english because he never speaks english so I was like 8D and then my mom gave him some kind of gift and he was like "omg leader gift!!" and I replied in korean "you're not the leader" and he changed it to like singer gift or something and I was like omfg you are so stupid why do I stan you again.

tl;dr I have weird dreams.

Total number of completed stories: not counting drabbles, 10. I wrote sixteen drabbles that were decent enough to be reposted after the meme.
Total word count: without my wips, it can't be more than 30k. my guess is 25k.
Fandom breakdown: shinee, super junior, beast, 4minute, dream high, snsd, sm the ballad, jay park. apparently I didn't write anything f(x) this year??

( the rest )

sorry for being such an angstbunny, guys :( but I'm excited for coming home and doing nothing and hopefully talking to people and writing fic. and for london ofc :3

http://www.biddingforgood.com/auction/item/Item.action?id=139106100

dear wta,

okay, I know this is for a good cause and everything. and that's great. but auctioning off an internship? have you ever thought that the people who want to intern for you the most don't have thousands of dollars laying around to buy themselves a position? that you might end up getting someone with very rich parents who has absolutely no qualifications and just wants to mess around?

yay charities, but giving someone the power to buy a job is just absurd. and completely unfair for everyone who isn't filthy fucking rich and would love an opportunity like this.

no love,
me

I am so vanilla, I don't even know why I'm doing this. porn is welcome but NOT a must by any means.

( procrastinating )

why is this the best thing ever. the numbers are bleak but I'm just so pleased with the execution/creativity/a-listers attached/overhaul of the most famous womanizer. it's so high quality and hopefully that'll get it some attention.

ALL HAIL DAME JUDI DENCH.

NOVAK DJOKOVIC PIMP POST LADIES AND GENTS

( his name is the djoker and he signs it with a smile )

a big thanks to an_ljubic and sapphirespells for helping me with this :DDDDDD

hi guys, so for the next week I'm gonna be in michigan with no internet and very little phone reception. basically, I can only get internet when I drive to panera, which I'll be doing to do homework/placement test, communicate with people about my cbb, and buy smtown la tickets. if you need me, you can try and text me if you have my number, email me, or comment on this entry. I'm sorry :(

The "What I've always wanted to tell you" Meme

bag me like some groceries, lay your love on me, give me movie recs, tell me I'm a big ho skank, whatever you'd like. yes this is a procrastination method. \o/